My Blog

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www.flickr.com More of crimanysake’s photos

I have been doing a lot of audio editting and after awhile you can tell what is being said by the shape of the sound wave. Of course it is not exact but it can make speed up the process. I did find it interesting that one woman’s laugh looked like a fish skeleton, kind of like the Fishbone logo.

First off I have had drafts deleted twice in the last month, which sucks.

The recent revelation from my biological father was quite a big deal for me, but the real hard part about this situation lies in the past.  To put it bluntly, I was lied to my whole life by multiple people in my family.

I am not an angry person.  I don’t hold grudges and I try to not to carry anger around.  Sure, I might get mad at someone, but it seems to take more energy to maintain that anger and in my experience it has never been beneficial.  I am not looking for a person to blame for my problems - my fucked up image of myself, my insecurity, and my difficulty maintaining trusting relationships - to do that would do little to move forward.  What I do want is a dialog.  I want people to talk about what happened.  Oh I am so wandering off.  I never even said what happened.

When I was growing up it was obvious to me that I was different than my siblings, all 9 of them.
I always knew that their father was not mine and that all of them were my half brothers and sisters, although I never remember being told this.  I like to think I was just such an astute child that I figured it out myself, but I am sure someone told me.  I do remember being told that it didn’t matter that my father was not around because there were so many other people around that is was like I had several mothers and fathers.  Now, I know that my family was trying to make me feel good, but what 6 year old wants to feel unique.  I just wanted to know what I was suppose to draw when they asked us to draw our family.  What about if they ask which ones is my dad?  I hated fathers day and was thankful that we were usually out for the summer when it came around.

I had a mean uncle that use to say all these comments to me that I didn’t really understand at the time.  He called me a "wet back" go back to Mexico to be with your father.  I didn’t know what he was talking about I never had been to Mexico! But from that I gathered my dad must be Mexican.  I think at one point he told me or I assumed that Freddy Prinz was my dad because he was the only "Mexican" I saw.  (I know he was Puerto Rican, but to my family any Latino was Mexican)  I remember thinking how cool it was to have a famous father that was on TV.  I also remember thinking that "Feliz Navidad" was my own special Christmas song.  That was very cool.  I now understand how fucked up this was now, but "feliz navidid" is still one of my favorite Xmas songs!

So it turns out that that my biological father, David, was known by my whole family.  He and his family met me and knew I existed for my whole life.  He wanted to be in my life, but was told never to try to contact me.  That he was not welcome.  Apparently, I was not welcomed either, at first.  My grandfather said he didn’t want any brown baby in his house.  This is so weird to hear, because to me my grandpa adored me.  I use to sit on his lap and he played harmonica and spoke Danish to me.  I was his angel and I could do no wrong.  I guess he made a quick turn around once I was in the house.  I was quite a cute baby.  (I even won some baby photography contest.)

the next part is the sad stuff.

ok so do you still get these emails, you know the list of questions.  Reveal my secrets on my blog, oh my.  I was thinking about who reads these things but I was thinking that as I was flipping through a bunch of blogs. 

[ ] I am bisexual
[x] I am
homosexual
[ ] I collect comic books.
[ ] I shut others out when I’m sad
[ ] I open up to others easily
[ ] I dont open up at all
[x] I am keeping
a secret from the world
[x] I watch the
news
[x] I own over 5
rap CDs
[x] I own
something from Hot Topic
[ ]I like Disney movies
[x] I am a sucker
for eyes
[x] I curse
regularly
[x] I’ve slipped
out a "lol" in a real conversation.
[ ] I have owned something from
Abercrombie.
[x] I have a job
[x] I love Martha
Stewart.
[x] I like someone.
[x] I am self
conscious
[x] I like to
laugh.
[ ] I smoke a pack a day.
[x] I have cough
drops when I’m not sick.
[x] I can’t
swallow pills.
[x] I have many
scars
[x] I am really
ticklish.
[x] I love
chocolate.
[ ] I am comfortable with being me.
[ ] I play computer
games/video games when I’m bored
[x] Gotten lost in the city
[x] Saw a shooting star.
[ ] I had a serious Surgery.
[x] I have kissed
a stranger.
[x] Hugged a
stranger.
[x] Been in a
fist fight with the same sex.
[ ] Been arrested.
[x] Laughed and
had milk/soda come out of your nose.
[x] Pushed all
the buttons on an elevator
[x] Made out in
an elevator.
[x] Swore at your
parents.
[ ] Kicked a guy where it hurts.
[ ] Been skydiving.
[ ] Been bungee jumping.
[ ] Broken a bone.
[x] Played spin
the bottle.
[x] Gotten the
chicken pox.
[x] Ridden in a
taxi.
[x] Shoplifted.
[x] Been fired.
[x] had feelings
for someone who didn’t have them back.
[x] Stole
something from your job.
[x] Had a crush
on a teacher/coach.
[x] Saw
someone/something dying.
[x] Traveled over
400 miles in one day
[x] Been on a
plane.
[x] Seen the
Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] Thrown up in
a bar.
[x] Eaten Sushi.
[x] Met someone
in person from the internet
[ ] Been to a motocross show.
[x] Done hard
drugs
[x] Taken painkillers.
[x] Cheated on
someone else
[ ] Liked someone
I can never have 

Do you have a quick temper? Yes, but it goes away
quickly too 

What do you do when you’re mad? swear, nothingWhat’s the worst thing you’ve done when you were mad?
Slapped someone across the face

Ever made anyone cry when you were mad? yes

Ever physically hurt someone when you were mad? Yes –
not in a very long time - like 20 years and vowed never to be violent again. I have kept that promise for the most part, there were a couple fights with my cousins in my teens and I think a pushed a coulpe people. I would defend myself or a loved one
When was the last time you really cried your heart out? 2
weeks ago

Ever cried yourself to sleep? A few time

Ever cried on your friend’s shoulder? yes.
Ever cried over the opposite sex? Well since I am a
dyke this means something different

Do you cry when you get an injury? Not usually, although sometimes my menstrual cramps and leg cramps have
bought me to tears

Do certain songs make you cry? All the time
especially when I sing along
What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to go through? Watching a loved one pass away
What’s the worst thing you’ve done to yourself?
Not believing in myself
What’s the worst thing you’ve done to somebody else? I have said some mean things to people - usually not intentional sometimes I am just
a little thoughtless

Ever had a painful break up? Yes
Are you normally a happy person? Normally?  well no, but often

What can make you happy?
Different things, sex, chocolate, computer products
me smile.

Do you wish you were happier? Of course 

What will make you the happiest? I don’t know

Is being happy overrated? noCan music make you happy? All the time
Do you believe in yourself?  Not enough
When people say they think you are pretty/cute, do u deny
it? I never believe them

Are you happy with who you are? almost.

Do you wish you can be someone else? Nah, but you can’t help but to wonder sometimes.

First off, I didn’t realize that a message went out to everyone every time I update this thing.  I think I uploaded it several times because I fixed a typo.  The typos I do leave in are to make this all seem more authentic.  You know more like a stream of consciousness thing.  Anyway, I know I will be putting up this whole story in pieces because I can’t really type or more than 15 minutes at a time - short attention span.

Now to the story …

In December I got a call at work from a man that soon informed me he is my biological father.  I can’t verbalize the feeling that I felt.  I was speechless, partially because of what was just revealed to me and partially because I was at work and felt like I couldn’t do what I really wanted to do.  If I was somewhere else I think I would have put down the phone and ran outside and yelled, "WHAT THE FUCK!", but not really possible in an office.  I maintained a professional demeanor which should have been the first sign to anyone that was observing that something was going on since on most days I am slouched over my keyboard with a look of disdain in my eyes.

I sat there with the phone to my ear and during the whole half hour or so conversation I think I might have said three words.  Mostly I was just making sounds, uh huh, hm mm, OK, yes, no - was all that I could manage to get out.  Although my mind was going a mile a minute.

I did manage to ask a couple of questions.  I asked him his name (It’s David).  I asked him for some details so prove to me this was legit, but it just seems ridiculous to think some one was trying to pull some type of scam on me.  What could they be after my huge college loan debt?  So, I except this guy is legit.

I have been to New Orleans several times. I don’t much like hot humid weather, but even with all the sweating and big bugs, it has such appeal. Last time I was there I walked around several parts of the city with my tough ass expression looking suspiciously at all the people that smiled at me, said hello, asked me if I was having a good day and they really wanted to know. If you look at a map someone will ask if you need help and then walk you to your destination blocks away. don’t they have something to do, somewhere to go, well may be but it’s New Orleans and time and the people move at a different pace. Walking around all of the old houses that are beautiful even in their decay. It always reminds me of Disneyland. I think because there is a new Orleans area or was that Great America - well some amusement park. New Orleans is like a amusement park, kind of like a water rides where you float along slowly, mellow and then bam! You go to a bar and order a pint of beer and they bring you red beans and rice, you can get anything deep-fried, and you the bars are always open, or you can just drink in the streets.

My best friend lives in new Orleans. She is safe, but her whole life is changed. She can’t go back home. She doesn’t have a job anymore. Everything she saw everyday is gone. She was lucky and had a car and somewhere to go. I don’t know what to say to her. I told her I could burn her some cds because when my house got broken into and all my cds were stolen she sent me some. i still had a house, a job, a city. What can you say?

I can’t hold back my anger at what is going on in response to this disaster. I find my myself screaming at the tv every-time Bush or some government official tries to explain away their screw ups. I get so upset but I keep watching. It is unbelievable. All the racism that at times is so blatant. Why were the levees fixed. “Well we did a cost/benefit analysis and the cost outweighed the benefits” What!!!

New Orleans and San Francisco have a lot in common. not the humidity, but the sense of doom lurking over both cities. That doom landed on new Orleans this week. One day SF will have another earthquake and people will say why do they live there just as people might say about the people in New Orleans. the answer for me is that same it will be for many of the new Katrina refugees, because it is my home.